can we get nightvision for the apartment?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
