I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
