I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
After tacos, we're chasing women.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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