The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
