Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
