Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
