Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Pooping to opera.
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