I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
