Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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