I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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