My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
