so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
