So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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