She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
