Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
This toilet bowl is my home.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
