I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
This toilet bowl is my home.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
