Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
