Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
