So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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