I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
