I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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