why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
