saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
