You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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