My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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