My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
