who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
