I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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