The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
