i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
