so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
