the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
