Tell her she can't have a vagina
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
