Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
her facebook's as public as her vagina
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
