Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
