planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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