I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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