why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
