Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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