I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
