So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
