maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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