I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
