He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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