I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
