Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
