You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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