All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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