I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
