Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Randomize
