I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
