I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
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Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
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You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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