Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
