Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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