When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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