yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
