Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
