I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
No subtext here. People are naked.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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