one word: firstdatebathroomanal
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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