Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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