He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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