She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
