I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
